family

the strange thing about estrangement...

Cami Kaos

Cami Kaos

— 2 min read
I may have spoken before about how close I am with my family, and that would be the truth, mostly. My husband and I, we're very close. It's not uncommon for people to marvel at, gag at, be suspicious of or disbelieve our saccharine sweetness. Or our hot tempers. We have passion, in our agreements and disagreements, but the love, the respect, the adoration: never wavers.We're obviously very involved and close with K, she is 5 after all and still accepts us in her life as the supreme all knowing parents that we are, and that will likely continue until the time she turns 7 or 8, at which point anything coming out of our mouths will probably be discounted as ageist propaganda.My mom and dad, though geographically far, couldn't be closer to our hearts. Or my cellphone.My brother and his significant other live here in Portland too, and though we are all busy people and we don't see them as often as we would sometimes like, they are present and involved in our lives, especially in K's.So it may seem odd that I haven't had a relationship with my mom's parents for 16 years. That is to say I haven't seen them in 16 years. I don't know that I ever really had a relationship with them. My brother and I were not the favorite grandchildren, not by a long shot. A big part of the problem is my grandmother's beliefs. I'll just say that they in no way come anywhere near my own. And they never have. There are things she holds to be true and dear that can't be put off as a generational difference. There are things she has said and done that I can not find it in my heart to accept. I will not expose my daughter to her brand of thinking. As for my grandfather, I liked him a lot when I was really little, but when I got a little older and started seeing things for what they were I realized I had no idea who he was, and neither did he. He served my grandmother in all ways, good, bad and very ugly (plus he had a big thing for table manners and would poke you with a fork if you didn't keep your elbows off the table).But every time something happens with them, every time their health fails, a new illness is diagnosed, a lifestyle change must be made: I hear about it. I get the info. Someone always lets me know what's going on. Today I wasn't prepared to hear news about my grandfather. I sat down to eat a late lunch and perhaps write a few lines to all of you, but first I checked my e-mail. An older account. One few use. I only check it once a day at best. In it was a message from my mom, she forwarded an e-mail from my grandfather (in all caps, that's how he types). It was titled: NEWS.He has to start undergoing radiation therapy for a spot on his ear. 5 weeks of it.It's just a spot. It's just his ear. It's just 5 weeks. Everything should be okay.But still, have I done the right thing by not having them in my life? Do I have to feel this doubt, this sadness, this numbed form of empathy? Am I only upset in the name of family?

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