the not so single mom...

As I'm sure you all know (or have guessed from the title of my blog) I am a mommy.

I have been a great number of other things in my life, some have stuck, some have not.

Mothering stuck.

It stuck and it took hold of my life in a way I never thought possible and 99.6% of the time I am grateful (oh so grateful) for that.

Another thing that stuck?  Mr. Kaos.

Once I met him my life changed completely.  Notice I say my life changed completely... but not me.  I'm still the same person he met that night he met in a smoky jazz club, just a wizened softened version of that girl he met there.

That sounds like we met in a bar, and I guess technically we did, but it was arranged.  It wasn't two strangers meeting in a dark corner and drunkly groping... we saved that for a few days later.
But if it weren't for meeting Mr. Kaos I wouldn't have ever been a mother.  I don't think there's another person on this earth that I would have wanted to have a child with.  When we first broached the topic of child rearing... when I first broached the topic... I couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth.

I wanted a child.

His child.

He was older (some would say significantly but I don't think so) so if he was going to have a child I knew the time was at hand.

It was a new thing for me (the child wanting not the older man having).

But we were in a good place.

We were happy.  In love.  In like.

He had a good job.  A stable job.  A house.  A good reliable car.

We were as ready as we'd ever be.

Because really no one is ever READY for that first child... are they?

Because of Mr. Kaos' job we were able to make the decision that I would be a stay at home mom.  It's what I wanted.  It's what he wanted.  It's what we needed for our family...

And so he worked during my pregnancy and I?  Did not.

I couldn't have if I wanted to, I was ill from the very beginning of my pregnancy.

I spent every waking hour nauseas.

He spent every waking hour working, waiting on me hand and foot or talking to the little being that was growing in my belly.

And when K came a month early?  Mr. Kaos took almost a month off work.

And then he went back.

And he worked and he worked and he worked.

And he helped me to raise our child.

And he worked and he worked and he worked.

And she got a little older.  And we moved.  And his job changed.  It grew.  It changed again.

And I grew and changed and K grew and changed and he grew and changed...

And he worked.

We're in a house that we love in a neighborhood we adore.

And he works.

And I raise our daughter.

There's more to it than that.

We work on our house, we work on our podcast, I write my blog, we spend time together on the weekends when we can...

But I raise our daughter.

I have his love and support, and those I could not do with out...

But oh how difficult it is to get K to bed on time when he leaves while we're getting ready to go and gets home when I'm putting her to bed.

And I know that it's hard for him.  He's the one away from us for half the day.  He's the one who doesn't see her smiling face until the sun is down and sleep overwhelms our house.  He is the one who must toil away day after day in a place that is not his home.

But here I am with only her.  And we laugh and we play.  And we live and we learn.  And we disagree and she melts down.

And she cries for her daddy...  He must be kinder than me, the harsh rule imposing mommy.  He is the magic man that swoops in on weekends and makes pancakes to rave reviews.

Everything I do is greeted by a little critic, though a critic that adores me.

And sometimes it's too much and I melt down.

I'm complaining.  I am.

What I can't figure out is this:  Is it hard for me because I need a bit more freedom or is it hard for me because I see the heartache he suffers because he doesn't have more time for us?

This is hard... It's life, I know it isn't easy...

Sometimes I just need to be able to say it.